


Pop Goes The Girlfriend

by DownOnThePharm



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Gen, Total smeg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-19
Updated: 2019-08-19
Packaged: 2020-09-07 21:07:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20316031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DownOnThePharm/pseuds/DownOnThePharm
Summary: The Boys find out what happened to Inflatable Ingrid, Rimmer’s first vinyl love.





	Pop Goes The Girlfriend

“Rimmer! Question for ya. Whatever happened to Ingrid?” 

Confused, the hologram looked up from his stack of astro-nav books, and asked, “Who? What are you on about?”

Lister paused “Renegade Monks,” ignoring Cat’s squawk of protest. “Y’know, man. Ingrid. Your first inflatable girlfriend. What happened to her, anyway?”

Rimmer sputtered, “She - IT was hardly my ‘girlfriend,’ you little goit!”

“Oh, so you do know who I’m talking about,” Lister smirked. “She used to be your one and only, but then...”

“My one and only what? Are you suggesting that I was dating a vinyl doll?”

Pretending not to notice Rimmer’s growing rage, Lister continued, “...Then she disappeared, and you were having it off with Rachel instead.” 

“LISTER!”

“I just want to know what happened, is all. You took her for a bit of fun in the cactus display in the Botanical Gardens and had an accident? She fell into the broken glass bin in the garbage hold? Got wedged up against a hot water pipe and melted a hole in her bum? C’mon, man - you can tell me. I won’t judge.” 

Furious, Rimmer hissed, “No, you annoying little gimboid! None of that! She’s... wait, no. She’s... not that, either. No, she’s...” Rimmer broke off, brow furrowed in concentration. “You know, I’m not sure what happened to her,” he finally said slowly. 

Cat piped up, “You guys talking about the first inflatable she-monkey?”

“Yeah,” Lister replied. “Ingrid. The blonde one. Why?”

“I know what happened to her,” Cat answered as he plucked Lister’s game controller from his hand and resumed “Renegade Monks.” 

“You what? Oh, I’ve gotta hear this. How do you know?” 

“Yes, you idiotic moggy - how DO you know?” Rimmer rose from his chair and stalked over to the sofa to loom over Cat. 

“Goalpost Head, move! I can’t see the game!” 

“How. Do. You. Know?”

Trying to crawl into Lister’s lap so he could see the TV, Cat casually replied, “I popped her and flushed her out of the airlock.”

Laughing, Lister chirped, “You never mentioned that, man!”

“You never asked, Gerbil Cheeks.”

Rimmer just stared at Cat for a moment, his expression somehow one of mingled shock, anger, sadness, and amusement. “Why?”

“Rachel paid me,” Cat stated simply.

“Rachel? My other - I mean, the other doll? What?”

“Yeah, that one. Alphabet Head, move! You make a better door than you do a window!” 

Closing his eyes in exasperation , Rimmer growled, “Io knows I’ll regret asking this, but what the smeg do you mean, she paid you?”

“Just that. She paid me to puncture the other one and get rid of her.”

“She paid you. An inflatable doll paid you. Lister, stop laughing before I insert your beer fridge into you. How the smeg did a doll pay you, pray tell?”

“With tuna and salmon cans. She told me about the officers’ private supplies.” 

“She told you.”

“Sure did, Non-Bud.”

Rubbing his temples, Rimmer sighed, “OK, so, assuming that an inanimate object somehow struck this bargain with you - Listy, I’m warning you - why did she do this?”

“Said she wanted to be the only one - why?”

Lister slid off the couch down to the floor and curled into a laughing ball of Scouser. Rimmer kicked at him, but missed. 

“The only one.” 

“Yeah.”

Rimmer dropped heavily onto the sofa and stared up at the ceiling. “Dare I ask how you accomplished this hit, you moron?” 

“Sure! I punctured her with my claws. Aw, man, I just died. The Golden Spider got me. Happy now?” Cat threw down his controller and crossed his arms, pouting.

“Claws?”

“Well, I wasn’t gonna use my teeth - I know where’s she’s been!”

The hologram abruptly stood up and stalked out the door, yelling back over his shoulder, “I’ve heard enough. Cat, you’re a moron. Lister, you’re a smegging gimboid. Don’t look for me, any of you lot!”

Wiping tears of mirth from his eyes, Lister gasped, “Cat, man, that was a great story! He’s seriously smegged off! Now, what really happened?”

“I just told you, Bud. Ask Holly. She knows.”

Lister thought about it for a minute, then said, “Nah. I don’t want to know.” 

Somewhere in the darkness under Rimmer’s bunk, Rachel lay in silent triumph.


End file.
